Yuan Chen

Archive for April, 2008|Monthly archive page

Lacking of love

In Uncategorized on April 21, 2008 at 5:44 pm

Lately I’ve been feeling a little bit empty spiritually. I need somebody to love me… I miss that feeling.

Good people exist

In Uncategorized on April 17, 2008 at 3:43 am

To the lady who helped me to find a doctor.

Today I’ve been to the doctor. The system in the public hospital in Hong Kong sucks quite a lot. They give you a bunch of medicine and say goodbye. They do not even ask you what happened to you. They treat as you were a machine, first they ask you the symptoms, then they give everything in order to fix you from those errors.

ah! that’s not the way to treat patients.

They gave antibiotics, but I think I don’t need them at all. Although sometimes I believe that our body can cure itself, I still have some medicine but never antibiotics unless I’m dying literally.

As always the nurse in school is never in the Health Centre. I waited for almost 15 minutes, doing nothing, looking at the air. In a deliberate decision, I made up my mind to go to a private clinic.  Though I didn’t know any clinic in Hong Kong. I knew there were quite many nearby Ma On Shan. However what I didn’t expect is that when I asked a lady where I should go, even she had something to do, she went to her office, printed out the address and the name of the doctor, and gave me a personal card with her phonenumber if I ever had the necessity of asking anything.

I was shocked by her kindness. I smiled and said goodbye.

God save you!

Coughing my lungs out!

In Uncategorized on April 17, 2008 at 12:47 am

I’ve been sick for a week. I started coughing spontatenously, but little by little I developed a serious serie of symptoms. Sore throat, running nose, sometimes headache, general tireness…

I feel like I want to chop my throat off! It is hurting so much… I started having some syrups, but they don’t seem to work…

Just want to get healthy.

I HATE THE INTERNET CONNECTION IN LPC!

In Uncategorized on April 8, 2008 at 6:04 pm

I don’t want to say the F-word, but I’m pissed off about the internet connection in LPC. I can’t read navigate properly and this pisses me off. I want to read Julliane’s blog, and I can’t because it stops working each 10 minutes. I can’t even use my own connection because … I-dunno-what-reason.

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The hole

In Uncategorized on April 8, 2008 at 5:49 pm

I lived in a hole for a long time. Nothing surrounding but empty space, dark empty space. I’ve been blind for too much time. Walking without seeing my steps. Mumbling a couple of words that were hard to articulate. But who I was talking to? If there was nobody, not even in the other side. The hole where I started to choke myself.  But I chose to. I chose to die quietly.

I started feeling the pain. The tree roots coming out from my inside. Breaking me apart. Little pieces of me littered on the soil.

Today I realised I became a seed. Today I realised I bloomed. Today I realised I’m not in the hole anymore, but… Now, I’m in the real life… What is worse?

I want to cry silently.

In Uncategorized on April 6, 2008 at 9:54 am

Sometimes I just feel I need to cry and hit the floor with bare hands until they start bleeding. Not only because all the shit I have inside, but because it seems nothing is going well. My head is going to explode.

Though this thought is really selfish. I thought of suicide many times in my life. When I was younger around 9ish, I never had the attention of my parents due to their job. I felt so lonely at home. I only saw my friends, what I considered friends  because maybe I didn’t have any, at school and my life was like roaming from here to there, doing nothing. Looking at the air. So I thought life would be so much better without me, maybe not better but indifferent. Why do I exist if I don’t do anything to the world. Life keeps on going without me. Once I was really close, I had a pair of scissors and I was trying to saw my wrist. I was close, but I was weak. I couldn’t do it in the end. My tears were flourishing from my wet eyes compulsively.

I used to cry so much. I also remember my parents telling me off because I was crying. But this did not usually improve the situation, so I would cry louder and louder, until I start vomiting. I stopped doing this when I became older, but I remember I used to vomit when I cried. Probably because I couldn’t breath and I had to puke in order to let my lungs breath. My parents wouldn’t really care about this. They would just think I was a spoilt kid trying to catch the attention.

Not until last year, I’ve never got on well with my parents. Neither of them. My father used to be really aggresive, and I think sometimes he still is. Though both of them changed quite a lot. My sister left home four years ago. She went to university. I left home too. They probably feel children-less. Though my cousin Kailin is still living with them. They say parents always love their children, but I used to doubt of this. They have never given me a clear sign of love, they did in the material sense, but not affection. It’s probably their culture, the way they grew up. Due to them I became an independent person. I didn’t need anyone to tell that I need to study, and actually I tried to get high scores because I wanted them to be happy despite they never said anything to me…

I suspect I have something wrong in my head. I might be a little bit crazy. And maybe I should go to the psychologist. I’m emotionally fickle and I think I’m really self-centered. But why when my friend Joyce tell me that she’s not alright I feel bad inside? She doesn’t only tell that she’s not alright but she tells me that I shouldn’t tell anyone. What I’m supposed to do?  Ignore myself. What is to be a friend if you don’t care about others.

This whole thing might sound like teenage bullshit. Actually, it is just that, bullshit. Existential problems and bullshit.

I want to cry silently.

Evolution?, my last art piece

In Uncategorized on April 5, 2008 at 1:27 pm

My last piece is about evolution. The spiral with a clear end, the spiral that is leading us to wondering if we have actually evolved. I’m kind of pissed off because I had to make my installation in the Art Office, which practically sucks.

For further explanations, send me an e-mail to: yumikimi (at) gmail (dot) com

Leeyan holding the cardboard model I made for the project. The idea came out from many kinds of inspiration, but its estructure was really inspired by the incredible Richard Serra.

This is an image of my final piece mounted in the artroom… As you can see the print was getting quite creased what forced me to storage it. It’s a 2×7 metres print hung with strings connected to a net.

Just feeling not really good.

In Thoughts on April 5, 2008 at 5:49 am

Metric – Monster Hospital

Lately I haven’t been feeling really good. Read some e-mails that just disgusted my inner side. People have problems, but we keep quite and shut. I started to think we like suffering. What else? We look at each other but we smile, but we’re rotten inside just like a rotten cheese with a couple of worms writhing in pain. Maybe we don’t….

Julliane just came in. I’ll keep writing afterwards.

Things

In Uncategorized on April 2, 2008 at 4:58 pm

I like eating Mi-goreng. They feeling quite nice when you are eating them, but then the post-migoreng effects or also know post-kebab is quite not-nice. It’s like something heavy inside you that you probably cannot diggest unless you have bleach and detergent in your intestine 🙂

I don’t like people not washing up their cuttlery. This annoys so much. I just think of the cleaning ladies, and how hard they work to get a miserable payment. I really like their smile. They are sincere and they show appreciation and respect, although we are the ones that make their lifes worse. WASH UP YOUR STUPID BOWLS AND PANS! It takes only 5 minutes of your precious time, but maybe it takes 3 hours for that woman who cleans not only the stupid cuttlery but the s**t in stuck in the toilet and all the rubbish around everywhere,

I liked today’s COP day. It was cool because we played and made an choreography and we learned something at least, not like in the previous one that were bores-me-lecturing sessions. 😦 but today 🙂

I don’t like writing essay, I like writing stories. Make up stories of the tininess of the hair of a drunk fly. Yeah!

I like looking at people, and how they interact. Especially when I feel like I’m alone. Everyone is surrounding you, but you are like invisible. Nobody talks to you neither sees you. You just watch as in TV. Well, I gave up watching TV long time ago. So like watching a movie.

Blablabla